For Jayse

It's rare that I post anything mushy because I just don't feel like I have too. We know how we feel and sometimes the goofy things we do say more than a barfy status or blog entry. But the other day I heard the most amazing song on the radio so I came home and watched the video on You Tube about 20 times. Then I downloaded it off iTunes and listened to it 20 more times. If I could have written Jayse a song and sung it to him it would have been these exact words. So here is the perfect song for two imperfect people in a less than perfect word.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns

I Won't Give Up On You

by Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

I love you more than you know. 

Spunos :p

~Jen~

P.S. You all may barf now

Out Of The Broom Closet

And about time wouldn't you say? Friends have know for a while that I have started exploring a new belief system but I haven't totally outed myself. It's been over a year now since I gave up the idea of an all mighty god and started studying Wicca. OMG WICCA? ...WITCHCRAFT? ...WHERE DO YOU PARK YOUR BROOM?... ARE YOU CRAZY? I've heard it all. But you see, I'm not. For once in my life I have something tangible to hold onto that helps keep the crazy away. Just over a year ago I was consumed by depression. My life was totally black and the only thing that got me up everyday and kept me in this world was my kids. Not even the best medications could pull me from the darkness. And then I found Wicca. I have a friends that practice and it made me curious. So I bought a book and then another. I visited the occult bookstore in town and asked a hundred questions. I learned to meditate and I studied and before I knew it I had found some balance in my life.

This doesn't come without its challenges. My girls go to a catholic school (a choice that was made well before Wicca came into my life) and Jason's parents have a strong faith that doesn't mesh well with my Pagan ideas and rituals. My Mom is supportive and may even be a budding witch herself . She always tells me not to worry what everyone else thinks so I try not to. I don't make a point of hiding my growing library anymore. All of my books are out in the living room for everyone to see and for all members of my household to explore should they choose to do so. I'm not going to get into a long spiel about what it means to be Wiccan or what it is that I believe but I hope to blog about some of the myths that are out there in the future. And trust me, there are a lot!

Blessed Be,
~Jen~

Hello Again

I was surprised to see that I could still log on to this blog, it has been such a long time since I've visited it. Looking back I see how much I have changed since I posted my last entry. I though about starting over and creating something new and fresh but if I have learned anything in my season of growing it has been that you can't run from the past. I'm a runner. It took me along time to realize this about myself and a longer time to be able to own up to it. So I forced myself back here to continue on where I left off. Only now I'm a little different. I'm a little older and a little wiser. I'm not so focused on sharing what I want everyone to see anymore because truth be told the few people that actually take time to read what I write here are the people in my life that have seen me at my worst and know just how far down the hole I had to go to get here. And if you are new to my crazy life: welcome and thank-you for taking the time to read my rambles.

~Jen~

Happy New Year

This year I am not making a New Year resolution. There are hundreds of things I could resolve to accomplish in 2010 but I am trying to focus on the things that are good in my life opposed to the things that I want to be changed. I have two healthy, happy, beautiful little girls that I have missed immensely these last few weeks. Christmas wasn't the same with them away at Daddy's and I am counting the minutes until they get home this week. I am lucky to have a partner in this crazy life who deals with the all daily bullshit and still tells me he loves me at night. And even though my parents are scattered across the country I know that day or night they're only a phone call away. I am also blessed with friends and an extended family here in Regina that make it feel like home.

So really, when you lay it all out, there is nothing I could get this year that I don't have all ready. I have to try and keep that in the back of mind as I embark on a year that I'm sure will have a few disappointments along the way but for the most part will be filled with many happy occasions. Happy New Year to you all. May 2010 remind you of the many blessing that fill your life.

Cheers,
~Jen~

Lessons Learned Revisited Again

As always it's a cryptic little glimpse into my life:

1. Children are perceptive and they understand more than you think

2. You can't pick your family. Learn to love them despite their faults, They love you the same way

3. You can pick your friends. They are your friends because they want to be not because they have to be, Don't forget that

4. Everything you need to learn in life you learned in Kindergarten. Be nice to others, clean up after your self, share.

5. Wear mittens

6. Rider Green can become bearable if you just accept it and move on

7. If you don't have anything nice to say keep your damn mouth shut

8. He is the "Daddy"

9. Social 30 isn't any better the second time around

10. You really are doing it all for them

11. It's OK to go to bed angry. A night sleeping next to each other is all it takes to make it better sometimes.

12. Take your own advice

13. Let the little things go. Think big picture.

14. You can't fix every situation. Roll with it.

15. He's the one missing out, he'll regret it in the end

16. Embrace the cold weather. There is not a damn thing you can do about it. (See #5)

17. Listen to your Mother

18. Life is all about give and take. Give more than you take.

19. Throw out your fat clothes

And as always.....

20. He is He. And He is still amazing.

Cheers,
~Jen~
xoxoxox

Not Me Monday

This post is inspired by MckMama who keeps me laughing with her "Not Me Monday" every week.

This week I did not wear a Riders t-shirt borrowed from Crabby Krysta just so I could be in the group photo that is being published in the work newsletter. I defiantly did not allow my children to wear the same clothes two days in a row right down to the socks demanding that they only change their underwear. I mean what kind of mother does that sort of thing? I didn't let my cat drink coke with his paw right out of my glass and I certainly didn't eat Cheezies for supper because no one else was home. Nope not me!

Cheers,
~Jen~

Never Mind The Fast Lane, I'm on The Auto-Bon!

I have been neglecting my blog lately. I have been neglecting my blog and my housework and the laundry and even my children I think. I'm trying to think big picture otherwise getting through a week is near impossible. I decided in my infinite wisdom (if that's what you wanna call it) that not only was I going to work full time and raise two little girls but I would start taking night school as well. So on Tuesday and Thursday nights I take my little binder and pen and race off to SIAST to enjoy three hours upgrading my Social 30. I also have to take math and probably a science all in hopes of getting into a part time collage program next fall. So I'm trying to think big picture because all this madness has to get me somewhere in the end right? God I hope so! Consequently I have had a few extra minutes alone on my car everyday and managed to come up a fun little list I thought I would share.

Signs you might be living and working in Saskatchewan:

1. It's +30 on Monday....it's +5 and pouring rain on Tuesday
2. You can wear Rider jerseys to work on game day and it's not even the playoffs
3. You heard one guy call another guy Moose just like he would call him John or Bob
4. A squirrel sneaks in the front door of your store and runs around scaring the crap out of everyone, flinging balls of yarn everywhere as he goes and then he lets himself out
5. A co-worker has a porcupine stuck under her van and pest control comes and takes it away with a big net and a hockey stick. Then they have to drive two hours to find a wooded area to let it loose in.
6. The president of the company didn't visit this summer and you a relieved because you know he won't come now until the warm weather is back. He is not a frozen dumb ass like the rest of us.

And finally:

7. It's so windy the Dr. office a few doors down calls your store to tell you foam pumpkins are whipping past her window and out onto the highway. Could we please bring them inside?

Cheers!
~Jen~